My depression and eating disorder kept me in the house.
“What do you like to do for fun?” Whenever I hear this question I freeze up and have no idea what to say. It’s not that my mind goes blank. I just don’t have an answer anymore. I don’t leave the house anymore. My depression has teamed up with my eating disorder to keep me from exploring the world around me. In my case, depression has convinced me to lay in bed. And I don’t mean lay in bed and relax. I either sleep the day away or I lay there with nothing on my mind and no way to find pleasure in anything around me. I don’t laugh at a tv show, I don’t even notice it’s on. I will watch the same episode five times and still not be able to tell you what it’s about. Now my eating disorder loves this! It has spent the last twenty years whispering, mostly yelling, in my ear that I am too ugly and too fat to go out in public. I obviously didn’t deserve to live and certainly not to live in public. Imagine having this message fed to you every moment of every day for the majority of your life. At some point, it feels easier to give in and go along with it. The bed isn’t that bad. I don’t need to see the world, I have my phone. But I fought back, slowly at first. I am in therapy. I tell myself “Good Morning and I love you” each day. Do I always mean it? Nope. But someday I will. I take my medication every day. And I have started to get out more. This weekend I went to Los Angeles for the Amber Rose Slutwalk. Yeah if I am going to go then I am going to go big damnit!
As I’ve grown in my recovery I have started to explore areas that I want to speak out in. In addition to eating disorders and mental health, I want to be able to educate myself and stand up with others to protest the current climate of rape culture and how women are treated in general. It is important to understand that you cannot fight a world on fire if you yourself are going up in flames. Your recovery is number one. Self-care is of the utmost importance and only now am I exploring other avenues of our world that I can participate and speak out on. Back to the Slutwalk! I have followed Amber Rose for many years now. I will always respect a woman that speaks her mind, loves her body and does not let a troll shame her for anything be it a fashion choice or a past career as a stripper. The fact that I even have to bring it up as something she should embrace is an example of how women are shamed into believing that stripping is a job that “sluts” choose, and they should not advertise for fear a man will never marry a “slut”. Three years ago, Amber Rose started the Slutwalk to stand as a protest against rape culture. Societal attitudes about gender and sexuality have normalized rape. Victims are blamed when they are sexually assaulted or raped. I did not come forward for over four years because I had become the “ho” at work. No one would believe me and many still don’t. Rape is not to be trivialized. It is not a mistake that he made as a young man or something that a woman obviously led herself into. Amber Rose is done with this shit and so am I. I decided to join the protest walk on Saturday, October 6, 2018. Women, men, and children all gathered to say no to Trump, to Kavanaugh, to the men in their own lives that belittled them, raped them and told them they were nothing. And every person was welcoming. It didn’t matter what your body type was or your size. I was reminded again that I could love myself and that there is a group of people who will embrace me as I do so.